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Snow

Christmas is over. I’m ready for summer. The reality is that winter has barely started. I spend most of the winter dreading snow.  I’ve watched my share of Hallmark Christmas movies where no one needs to button their coats, the never lose a glove and their Burberry scarf is perfectly draped around their neck.  The snow lands romantically on their shoulders. It never sticks to the sidewalks or roads and no one ever even hollers oops as they catch their balance on an icy sidewalk. Hallmark offers a great definition of snow if you are the hopeful kid wearing your pajama’s inside out hoping for a day off from school. For everyone else who lives in a house and owns a car, snow is a headache. I have practical suggestions for you. 

While not technically a sport there is gear to consider. Get you boots ready; the kind grandma called galoshes and pray that the snow isn’t deep enough to come over the top. I suggest a parka, because covers your butt. The company you keep will hurl a snowball exactly where is can melt into your plumber’s crack. Wear a hat and gloves or mittens, something waterproof and have a spare. Snow glare can be a killer. I recommend sunglasses. They might also help you avoid an incoming snowball.

Now that you’re ready to step outside looking like the little brother from The Christmas Story it’s time to choose your weapon.  I prefer a shovel that is mostly plastic, no point in adding any extra weight to the task.  If you are an Apple Watch wearer leave it in the house.  It records nothing, nada, zilch.  Snow shoveling maybe exhausting but does not count as exercise. Don’t make the assumption that investing in a snowblower will make the task quicker. Snowblowers can only be used after a couple of inches on the ground and if it’s an airy fluffy snow. Wet dense stuff clogs the rotors, rendering the snowblower useless or sending you to the hospital because you tried to clear the shoot with your hand.  Even when wearing mittens count your fingers, ten is the magic number.   Snowblowers are heavy, awkward and require a good grip to hold the gear handle and keep those rotors throwing snow.

When to actually go out to shovel, requires planning and a complicated algorithm. In most storms, it is best to wait until the snow stops falling. This decision is dependent on the time of day, and the snowfall amount expected. Sometimes an initial pass may be required. There is also the construction of the snowflake to consider. If it is an airy, fluffy snow wait until it stops.  A dense wet snow is heavy and requires immediate attention.

The car needs to be cleaned off and shoveled out.  The municipal plow is your worst enemy destined to undo all of your efforts.  I recommend always shoveling one third back from the edge of your driveway.  You can block your driveway but your neighbors can’t and it will give you space for a second car.  If the temperature drops creating mini-icebergs or another snow happens you won’t have to decide which chair or garbage can should save your space. This habit ignites many a neighborhood battle over who cleaned what spot and who feels entitled to save it.

Remember to use rock salt. It’s a generic term.  It’s better to use the little white pebbly stuff that is calcium chloride it the stuff to use and it protects your sidewalks but not your dog’s paws. Get Fido a pair of boots too.  Plan the rock salt purchase at the beginning of the winter because the 50-pound bag could throw out your back. When that last sprinkle of calcium chloride hits the walk, you are tired, cold, wet and you want that big hot chocolate. Forget about the calories. Your Apple Watch didn’t count shoveling as exercise so there is no need to count the calories of the whipped cream and the marshmallows, and for good measure add a shot of bourbon.

As you fall into your favorite chair muscles aching think about how your day began. Sitting at the kitchen table with that second cup of coffee still in your pajamas. Did you notice that the snow was clinging to each tree branch framing the perfect winter scene picture? Were you lulled by the beauty of each unique flake then you missed the first clue of your day: it’s a dense wet snow? It might be good for snowballs but a back breaker to shovel. Or did you morning start with swirling tiny flakes so small that they could barely be seen with the naked eye? That’s a blizzard, my friend.  Either way, you’re screwed.  It’s too late to head for the Caribbean now.

So the answer to the little girl’s question, Do you want to build a snowman? No. There has never been a front yard with a snowman that looked like Frosty or Olaf.

Remember Frosty ran away and Olaf agrees with. Sit back in your chair. Sip your hot chocolate, close your eyes and imagine what it would be like when summer comes.